Self Love

I finally had the cry I needed. I can’t even say “had,” I’m not even really finished. I had wanted to have a good cry for a long time now, I knew it would clear up a lot, but nothing seemed powerful enough to trigger more than a sweet tear or two. A certain book has been sitting on my shelf that I bought thanks to a dear friend’s recommendation. I hadn’t read it, and it was just sitting there. Around midnight, I picked it up and read the whole thing. “Tuesdays with Morrie.” I knew by the end of the first page that this book would bring about the release that my heart chakra and I needed. Sure enough, I cried at the end of the book, hyperventilating. It was strange; I don’t remember having cried exactly this way before. I ended up giving myself a carbon dioxide high from all the breathing, so when the tears stopped I sat in my chair and meditated.

I soon started thinking of people I loved, and the tears came back with a vengeance. Even now, my face is contorted in a tearful grimace, as I recall events from only minutes ago. I thought of my parents, my brother Stevie, Greg, Brooke, Kate, Ann, my uncle Alex, Stephane… oh man, I cried so much for Stephane. Thank you for existing, man. You’ve opened up a world for me. And the one person I cried for the most was the homeless guy who sang along when I played guitar and sang “The Ballad of Curtis Lowe” by myself on the street in downtown Santa Cruz. I’m crying for him again right now. Holy crap, life is so beautiful.

After a few minutes of holding my heart chakra and sobbing, thanking the universe for its blessings and love, I calmed down and walked stark naked down the hall to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked myself in the mirror, saw my damp eyes, and burst into tears again—while looking myself in the eye. This was incredible. For the first time in my life, I saw my body through the eyes of my soul. I said, “I love you man,” and cried at myself. Soon, I started laughing at the same time. I was laughing and crying at myself in the mirror, naked. I told myself, “Good job, man. Good job,” and cried some more. I think maybe, just maybe, I may have learned what self-love is.

And I immediately sat down to write this. And my tears didn’t subside until I finished writing this sentence.